Tuesday, June 28, 2016

I "should" just relax

I'm feeling deflated and very anxious.  It kind of feels like an emotional hangover.  Like I was trying to be so positive about everything and now I don't have any left.  I'm still trying it just feels like a lot of effort. 

I'm panicking that they'll find more than what they thought.  That it's cancer.  That it's going to be worse than what I'm already imagining as the worst.  And I'm pretty good at imagining the worst.  I'm almost an expert at it since I've practiced my whole life.  So I think my "worst" is pretty bad.  So far my worst has never come close to happening.  So, that's good.

I know I "should" stay positive and I "should" think of the bright side.  And I want to, but psychologically and emotionally I just can't seem to get there right now.  Plus I hate the "shoulds".  I HATE THEM.  Who says?!  Who says I "should" do anything.  Screw whoever those people are and their stupid rules.

This sucks.  And I've only recently gotten to the point in my life that I've really been able to live without caring what other people think. I'm finally as close as I have ever been to the "f&#k it - I'm going to live my life, my way" mentality.  It really felt good.  And now I'm back dealing with thinking about how I "should" be handling this.  

I want to count my blessings.  I really do.  And I know there are a million of them.  But right now I just want to mope and not make any effort with anything.  

I was yelling at the girls last night and felt horrible about it.  So today I apologized and explained that I'm feeling nervous and a little scared about having to deal with this thing.  And the first thing Olivia says is, "I would feel that way too."  And then they all gave me a hug and said it was okay. 

So maybe it is okay - I'll go and distract myself by cleaning something.  

No comments: