Saturday, June 25, 2016

Adjusting my sails

I received so many thoughts and prayers today from people wishing me well.  Which simultaneously made my heart full and made me incredibly self conscious.  I'm sharing this publicly (somewhat depending on how many people really want to read blogs anymore), not because I want sympathy but because through my new career in wellness and interest in vulnerability and emotional flexibility, I believe that I will manage this better if I share.  So really it's for selfish reasons.  Sharing is hard because what I really want to do is hibernate in my room and google until I get the exact information that I want about this whole ordeal.

What is the exact information that I want?  Well - quite honestly I would like to see the future.  I would like to know exactly what's going to happen and see myself getting through it and then also - if we're requesting superpowers - to just go ahead and jump to the end when everything is all worked out.  But that's not going to happen.  And if I think about it, I do know that I really wouldn't want it to. 

I have to learn something here.  There's always something to learn.  I like the philosophy that "life happens for you, not to you."

Throughout our move back home I have had to learn patience.  Big lessons in patience.  I wanted this house renovation done immediately.  Well, here we are 10 months later and God willing, they are starting Monday.  But looking back at it, these past 10 months have brought my family closer together, given me the time to build a strong relationship with my mother-in-law, and helped us figure out our priorities.  For one - maybe we don't need to add an addition to give us a house bigger than the one we came from, because quite honestly cleaning 3 bathrooms is the last thing on my list of things to do ever again.  We have discovered that this space suits us and provides everything we need to live how we want to live.  I don't know if I would have learned that lesson if I hadn't been forced to wait and be patient. 

I'm guessing that the lesson that will come along with this pancreas thing is about control.  The irony that I'm trying to determine which lesson I will learn and making it the control lesson is not lost on me. 

I know that we don't have control over anything, except our own reactions.  I'm going to have to let go a bit here.  I'm going to have to rely a lot more on faith and love.   Which have never failed me, and yet I still try to manipulate.  So we shall see.  For now,  I am so thankful for all the love and support you have sent my way.  It honestly makes me feel stronger.   

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